Watching our child grow up is a delightful and exciting experience, especially for first-time parents. However, it can be overwhelming, scary, and confusing at the same time. Though it is not easy and there is no specific formula in how we can do it, as a parent, we are advised to understand our children’s psychology.
Thus, Mamahood held an exclusive interview with one of our panel of experts, Ms. Andrea Chong, a Psychologist with The Psychology Practice, who will help us understand more about children’s psychology, and how it can help to alleviate our parenting method.
Q1. As a parent, how can I understand a child’s psychology? Can you share a few important tips?
Ms. Andrea Chong: One way to understand a child’s psychology would be to remember that each person develops at their own pace. And to think about what is age-appropriate thinking/behaviour for the child – for example, it is normal for toddlers to put everything in their mouth because it is all about sensory development at that stage.
It is also important to be able to view children from their perspective instead of from our own (adult point of view). For example, as adults, we may have a good understanding of the consequences of certain actions but to young children who are still predominantly driven by impulses, they may not have developed the ability to think ahead.
Inherently, an essential part of understanding a child’s psychology is also about understanding our own.
Q2. Will it be bad if we don’t understand our child’s psychology?
Ms. Andrea Chong: Not necessarily “bad” per se, but parents may inadvertently misinterpret their child’s behaviour and feel frustrated – which might lead them to take it out on their children who are none the wiser about why their actions have upset their parents.
Q3. I’ve been trying the gentle parenting method with my toddler, but it seems like it didn’t work. How do I do this?
Ms. Andrea Chong: It is important to be aware of one’s expectations about the outcome that they would like to see. For example, if the goal is simply about children who do what they are told without fuss then this approach might not appear to work.
One common misconception about gentle parenting is that the parent avoids confrontation with the child and is permissive but the focus is really about connecting with the child – which means being interested to talk to them (tuning in); acknowledging and empathizing with their feelings while also setting firm limits (without the use of threats/punishments).
Q4. Is it bad if I don’t apply gentle parenting methods with my children? How will this affect them?
Ms. Andrea Chong: Again, not necessarily “bad” but rather to be aware of one’s current parenting style and the impact on their child.
Gentle parenting promotes the relationship between parents and their children as it invites children to be partners in the family – this allows them to feel safe/trusted and they learn autonomy overtime vs. more traditional methods of parenting which can instil fear in children and forced obedience – this then results in children who become externally motivated and dependent on rewards or punishments.
Q5. I would like for us to have a friendly relationship rather than a mother-daughter relationship but at the same time, I wouldn’t want my kid to be rude to me. Is there such parenting and if yes, how can I do that?
Ms. Andrea Chong: It is ok to be friendly to your child, but it would be less helpful to ‘be a friend’ to your child.
Children need parents who can consistently and reliable set limits or boundaries as this actually makes them feel secure – provide them with a clear sense of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, where being rude is not acceptable.
Focus on understanding what the child might be trying to communicate behind the behaviour rather than taking it personally.
There is no need to subscribe to any particular form or method of parenting in order to do this. Just always remember to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind!
Q6. How can I help my child to cope with social anxiety, post-pandemic?
Ms. Andrea Chong: Parents are the best role models for their children – do not be afraid to talk about your own concerns, if any – and then get them to share their anxiety.
Normalize their experience when appropriate (vs. shaming), and encourage social interactions when possible. Most importantly would be to allow the child to go at their own pace.
Q7. How can I help my child to become more independent?
Ms. Andrea Chong: Firstly to consider what is age or developmentally appropriate for the child.
It is very easy for parents to step in and take over by doing things for their children because they worry that their child might be unsafe or less efficient – for example, when doing household chores.
Instead, it is helpful to offer children opportunities to explore different activities or even different choices such as to encourage decision making without being too quick to take charge, even if it means that they end up making mistakes.
During this process, parents should also offer praise – not for the outcome, but for the effort or courage displayed in even attempting tasks. This helps children to be internally motivated and less afraid of exploring.
Q8. When and why should I bring my child to see a psychologist? What are the factors that I should look for to bring my child to a psychologist before it is too late?
Ms. Andrea Chong: One key area of concern would be significant changes to their daily functioning or behaviour such as prolonged changes in their mood where they can be more withdrawn or irritable and when they are showing expressions of self-harm or suicidal ideation.
Trust your parental instincts and do note that it is never too late to attend to a child and to offer them support.
Q9. What kind of therapies should I expect for my child and what usually happens in therapy?
Ms. Andrea Chong: There are many different types of therapies that include, but are not limited to cognitive-behavioural, attachment-focused, and play therapy.
In the first few sessions (assessment phase), the therapist will focus on developing a good understanding of the parents or child concerns and decide on a treatment plan that would best address the family’s treatment goals.
The duration and frequency of therapy will also be discussed with parents – usually, the recommendation would be weekly or fortnightly sessions for a duration of 10 or more sessions (again, depending on the concerns and therapy goals).
Q10. If I need to bring my child to a therapist, how can I explain this to him?
Ms. Andrea Chong: Depending on the age of the child, gently point out your concerns about their mental health and ask if they might like to speak to someone who can help. You may provide more information about what a psychologist or therapist does.
One way would be to explain that when our bodies are not well. For example, when we display cold/flu symptoms, we see a doctor to help us feel better – hence it would be the same when our mind/heart is not well. When we feel sad, anxious or angry a lot, therefore we see a psychologist or therapist to help us feel better.
If the child is resistant to the idea, do not coerce them but continue offering them support while also encouraging them to get help.
A special thanks to Ms. Andrea Chong for this insightful sharing.
There is nothing that we care for more than the well-being of you, your children, and your family. Ms. Andrea Chong is a Psychologist with the Psychology practice and has spoken at Maybank’s Parenting Webinar Series.
Stay tuned to Mamahood Story for more parenting tips and discussions with experts!